It’s funny how things can slip away so easily when you don’t give them the love and attention they deserve. This is the essence of my current struggle. Between balancing my work schedule with gym classes and usual chores like laundry and washing dishes, I have neglected to remain as present and aware of each moment as I used to be. Instead, there is a part of my mind that is always focused on the next thing, which takes me away from being fully in one place. I know from experience that such a seemingly small shift in my perception is the difference between living a life of true happiness and one of overall dissatisfaction due to that nagging ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling. In not being completely present, I am giving away my access to the magic and abundance of life as well as the infinite beauty that only exists in such a minuscule space of awareness; That space where all of the answers to life are answered, and where the impossible is possible.
Now that I have tasted the sweet nectar of enlightenment, all I want to do is get back to it. But this is not like flipping a light switch because, during this time period, I have unknowingly trained my mind back towards this less fruitful path; This path of acting out the motions of life but never truly living it.
I am grateful for recognizing this early on. Though I’ve let myself slip a bit, I am still nowhere near the woman who I was just a few short years ago: A drone in a business uniform, walking the streets with her head in a downward position, eyes fixated on a small digital screen; Allowing circumstance to control me instead of controlling the circumstance; Fighting the internal battle of knowing deep down that I wasn’t meant for this life, yet not quite having the courage to put my hand up and step out of the assembly line.
But how can I maintain this balance of adhering to a schedule and still showing respect to my true self? The solution to this conundrum is contained in one brilliant word: Surrender.
I must fearlessly accept what is, even if I don’t like it. It is the struggle between where I am and where I WANT to be that takes me away from the present moment. It is true, I don’t particularly care for where I am right now. I don’t like being this scheduled. I don’t like feeling as though I am a victim to the hands of a clock. However, I also know that this is temporary and I will once again have the type of freedom that I crave in less than two short months. That being said, there is also an abundance of positive aspects of this way of living – most of all, the people who I get to spend time with everyday.
I really like my colleagues. I am very grateful to be able to connect with such a special group of people…it’s almost like I was meant to meet them (which, of course, I believe I was). Thus, my REAL job during this period is to simply let The infinite wisdom of the Universe take care of the details. Meanwhile, I will sail through and learn and grow as much as I possibly can from all of the new teachers who I have been fortunate enough to encounter during this chapter of life.