I submurge myself in the Carribbean Sea. As usual it is not to hot and not too cold, almost like the perfect tale of the three bears…only this time it is the story of a blissful, 33-year-old woman and she is far from consuming the bland slop of pourrage. She is embracing the essence of life. She is floating in just as powerful of a body of water as she did during her first 9 months of her life.
Then, I remember that the last time I was playing in this very part of the sea, it was with her…my former lover and my first experience with a female. She and I had a very fast and intense romance before she returned to her home of Copenhagan just last week. This was an incredible woman who shared her most intimate secrets with me and I with her. A woman who looked at me in ways that I want to be looked at for the rest of my life. A woman with whom I spent hours on a bus, underneath a blanket, discussing our past relationships and how we both cheated on someone…but only once and a long time ago. A woman who promised me that no matter what, she wanted to continue what we had…maybe even move to Costa Rica. A woman who gave her word that, above all, she would always be honest and that communication was her greatest value…A woman who turned out to be a manipulative liar. A woman who would lie in bed next to me while speaking in Danish to her girlfriend back home, telling her how much she loved and missed her. “Sorry, baby, it’s my sister…she just moved to Copehagan and is having a hard time so I’m trying to coach her a bit,” she would tell me before returning to her phone call only to continue the charade. A woman who is as far away from who I thought she was as she could possibly be.
The choices that she made were hers as are her feelings about them…and I cannot blame her because I used to be just like her…so confused and out of touch with my true self that I would hurt people…not on purpose but as a result of my self hatred. There we go. Karma at its finest, served straight up with a twist and a hearty dash of poetic justice.
Today, however, I can look myself in the eyes and know that my love and feelings for her were nothing but honest and pure, even if hers were not. If nothing else, she was a mirror for me to discover that, after years of avoiding intimate love and of allowing a true partnership with someone, I am still capable of it. Better than that, I am fucking good at it.
With this, I smile and return to the present moment. I open my mouth and allow the salty goodness of the sea to flow in and out, gently caressing my tongue, before spitting it out and laughing hysterically at the giddy child I have become.
I live here. I actually live in what most people would consider the most perfect slice of heaven imaginable: Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica. Palm trees line the shore of the sandy beach just like the most incredible postcard you could ever imagine. The yellow sun kisses the sea water, leaving her sparkling with glee as sun ray diamonds float effortlessly upon every crest of her voluptuous form.
And then, dancing on the edge of it, there is me; A small, unassuming human being who has somehow cultivated the very fine art of apprecation. With this seemingly easy task, I have learned how to embrace the entire spectrum of beauty in just a flash of my eyes, a sniff of my nose, a touch of the velvety sea water and ears that can hear the lulliby that the Caribbean waters play on repeat day after day and night after night.
HOW on EARTH did a former work-a-holic, someone who needed medication to fall asleep at night because she could not simply ask her mind to stop the chatter, someone who had no clue, become one of the most grounded and connected people she’s ever known?
I am still trying to figure that one out…but, if I’ve learned anything from my journey thus far, my friends, it is that anything is possible. If someone like me can learn to be still and bask in the glow of the simplicity of the world…what can you do?