I am packing my suitcase as quickly as I can.  What should I take?  What should I leave?  He is coming and I have only a few minutes to completely clear out or he will find me.  Who is he?  I think it might be my dad but I’m not sure.  Finally, I am finished and leave posthaste.  A bit later I come across a big, deep swimming pool.  There are people in it.  They are purposefully drowning themselves and I know that I am not supposed to save them.  But who is in there?  I look closer and see my mom.  I look even closer and see me in the pool as well.  Holy shit.  I am watching myself drown.

It is peaceful.

I wake up feeling calm.  Though I have a workout with my trainer today, I don’t hop out of bed and get my morning routing started as usual.  Instead, I lay there enjoying this odd sense of relaxation and go over the dream in my head again and what it could mean.

Let’s see…Last night was a full moon and I was feeling quite emotional, but also very confused.  Before lay my head down on my pillow for the night, I clasped my hands together and repeated ‘Please guide me,’ over and over again.  I am not sure why I did this.  I have never done it before.  Then comes this dream.  I have evolved past the point of thinking this is some random coincidence, but instead see it as an opportunity to, well, be guided.  Just like I had asked.

Feeling more awake and chipper than I have in weeks, I load my blender with ice, fresh fruit, a bit of kale, spirulina and honey.  This is so WEIRD.  After I dream like that, shouldn’t I feel disturbed and lethargic?  I ponder this as I consume my green smoothie while simultaneously looking over at my table covered with small tea lights, recalling that I had planned to eat dinner by candlelight last night but couldn’t find the blue lighter I SWORE I had bought the other day for this very purpose.  I must have searched for 15 minutes for that thing.  Oh well.

I bike out to my trainer’s house, riding carefully down his severely bumpy road.  He has a small, open-air studio in the back of his house where we work with weights, mats, ropes, a tire and other make-shift work-out items.  We do our usual routine and talk throughout it, as the sky above grows darker and darker with ominous-looking clouds.  I tell him about my dream and he finds it interesting but doesn’t have too much to say about the significance.  We end our session with some Muay Thai, my favorite thing.  I punch, kick, elbow and knee my trainer’s padded gloves as sweat pours from my brow.

By the time the session is over, the drizzle is starting.  I hop back on my bike and hope to make it home before it really starts to pour.  Alas, as I am bumping down the road, the sky opens up and the torrential downpour begins to soak me to my core.

All I can do is scream and laugh.  The heavier the rain becomes, the louder I scream and the harder I laugh.  I am like a child bouncing around in a puddle.  I cannot remember the last time I felt this ALIVE!

Just like that.

One minute I am dying in water and the next I have never been more alive in it.  I suppose life and death aren’t too far apart from one another.  In my case, both involved a cleansing of water to initiate the cross over.  Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn.  Seeming opposites are actually not as different as one would think.  Life/Death.  Hate/Love.  Anger/Joy.  Sadness/happiness.  Success/Failure.  I have been so consumed with whether or not my business will succeed or fail that I have neglected to simply let go and let life guide me.  And so begins another round of my continued practice of letting go of control and basking in the glory of life and where it points me.

As I arrive back at my gate, I remove the now-soaked towel that is in my bicycle basket and, wouldn’t you know it, like the color of the sky on a bright summer day…is that blue lighter.

 

Rain