I leave the USA in exactly one week.
It’s so strange to see the results of all the personal work I have been doing via therapy and my al-anon program. I am finally EXPERIENCING my feelings about heading out into the world again instead of the one-note version of ‘Good riddance’ I have felt in years past. And guess what? It SUUUUCKS.
I understand why I have not allowed myself to feel all of these feelings. They are messy and complex…yep, kinda like caramel, right?
Well, this caramel shit is HARD! Black-and-white is so much easier. It is sure and doubtless. Black and white are the colors of the ego, after all, and sometimes that feels good, especially in times of difficulty. It seems so much simpler to choose from two flavors than to allow all of the different shades to exist in the same space at the same time.
I sure ain’t alone in this though. Coincidence that, in these times of complete uncertainty and opposing viewpoints, Hollywood is churning out superhero movie after superhero movie? I think not. Dealing with the paradoxes of reality is exhausting! It’s so wonderful to be able to escape to a world where there is a very clear good guy and very clear bad guy…even if it is for only 2 hours and 15 minutes.
I am happy, sad, angry scared, excited, calm, relaxed, grateful ALL AT THE SAME TIME. What the fuck is THAT about??? Of course, my knee-jerk reaction is: What am I supposed to DO with all of these feelings?
The answer is nothing. This is not a ‘Do’ situation. It is a ‘Be,’ situation. And I thank God I am finally learning the difference between the two. The ‘I have to do something about this’ reaction in this case is really just a fear-based response to an opportunity to deepen my connection with myself (and, in turn, my connection with everyone and everything around me)…and I KNOW I’m not the only one out there who would prefer to keep busy with the ‘DO’ing than actually allow what is there to just be what it is without having to control it…can I get a show of hands?? Yes, YOU. Literally, put your hand up as you are reading this. No one has to know except the most important person in your life (again, that’s YOU). I’ll wait.
Still, it is in the dirt that we find the lotus flower and it is in the mess that we find truth.
What I am learning more and more is the irony of it all: Black and white seems easier in the moment…but this is a marathon, not a sprint and the truly easier path is to embrace the mess of life, even if I have to kick and scream along the way. Whenever I am ‘certain’ or ‘sure’ or think something is ‘definitely’ this or that, I am attaching more to my ego and end up fighting an uphill battle because I have blinders on to the natural and beautiful mess that is life.
It doesn’t feel good or fun in any sense right now, but it is also the most loving thing I can do for myself and in that, I find deep appreciation.
Paradox at its finest.